Living Vicariously Through Your Child

In researching this topic, a movie titled "Trophy Kids" came up as "recommended to watch." I clicked on it and decided to take a look. It was filmed in 2013 and aired on Netflix in 2016. I was able to find it on Amazon Prime for $3.99. It is a documentary about some extreme parents and their involvement in their child's youth sports journey. The film goes back and forth showing a 14 yr old football player, a 7 yr old golfer, two 17 yr old basketball players, and 13 yr old twin tennis players. I found it to be fascinating and disturbing to watch all at the same time. It focused on the parents and athletes and the only coach interviewed was one who actually got fired because the parent threatened the school (or that is how it seemed to me in the film). Some of the conversations between the parents and athletes are difficult to watch and some of the parent's actions are equally as painful to witness. It made me really take a look at myself as a parent. How would I be perceived to the outside world if I had a camera on me? It was not clear if the parents were living vicariously through their child, but it was clear they were pushing them to achieve something they were never able to.

Very little research has been done on this topic, but a study done in 2013 was the first to show evidence that "parents do indeed attempt to redeem broken dreams through their children. Researchers found parents can feel pride in their children's achievements and even heal old wounds." (Goodtherapy.org) It seems there is a fine line between being supportive and obsessive when pushing your young athlete. It is logical for a parent to push their child towards activities they love whether it is sport or cooking or art and so on. We want to share our love for something with them and hopefully they will develop a love for it as well. It then forms a bond and is something we can do together. The hard part is allowing them opportunities to try all things so they can choose their own path (even the things we ourselves do not enjoy).

We want our kids to have more than us, better opportunities, and more success. We want to give them all we can to help them succeed. We do not want them to make the same mistakes we made. We want them to achieve everything we didn't. This is not a bad thing at all. It gets tricky when our failed dreams are pushed on our children and we convince ourselves it is their dream too.

Characteristics of parents living vicariously through their child:

* You may be what is called a helicopter parent- a parent who is overly focused on their child.

* You are the parent with no life our hobbies outside of your child's activity.

* You force your athlete to play or do something when they do not want to. They may say they want to play because they know that is what you want. Look for signs they do not enjoy the sport such as finding excuses not to go to practice, talking negatively about the sport, crying regularly, and anxiety.

* You get more upset about performance or achievement than your child does. If you are a competitive person and your child is not, it is going to be more difficult for you if they spend their time on the bench or do not receive a ribbon. You will find yourself frustrated with them for what you perceive as not caring. Trying to force them to care is eventually going to push them away from the sport.

* If you see your child's performance as a direct reflection of your worth and your ability to parent.

Dealing with a parent like this is difficult as a coach. They seem to question every decision you make and criticize if you don't make the move they want you to. You may find it difficult to reason with them because they likely feel they know more about the sport than you do. If you are not confident in what you are doing, they can really make you question yourself as a coach. It is hard to stand up to these parents, but a situation will probably come up and you will need to stand strong. Believe in what you are doing and be clear of your reasons. If they do not agree then it is okay for them to find a program that fits their needs better.

Parenting is hard. We try to do our best and sometimes our good intentions take a turn for the worse. We may not even realize we are pushing our dreams onto our kids. We all have regrets in our lives and we don't want our children to have the same ones. In trying to protect them, sometimes we push them too far the other way. We think we have to take control of every aspect of their activity and micromanage every little thing. Allow them the freedom to make some choices. Their choice may have a negative outcome, but that is how they will learn. Ugh, it is so hard to sit back and watch the train wreck as it happens, but we get to deal with the messy stuff as parents. They may look and sound like us, but they are not us in a smaller body. We have to remember they are individuals and they have their own dreams and interests.

I was lucky to be brought up loved. Not that everything I did was liked, but I knew that I was loved- and knowing this gave me the ability and freedom to be who I wanted to be. -Bernie Siegel, M.D.