The Uber Competitive Parent

Many of us are competitive and it is not a bad personality trait. People who are competitive are highly motivated to achieve their goals (and often do). They tend to be more confident and will do whatever it takes to be better than they were yesterday. Some children are naturally competitive and some quite simply are not. Children begin to understand the concept of winning and losing around age 4 years old. (Dr. Kennedy Moore) At this age they do not understand how complex winning and losing is, but they know winning is seen as a positive thing.

The Uber Competitive Parent expects their child, or their team, to win at all times. They don't really care how it gets done, they just want to see a "W" at the end of the competition. We know these parents. Some of us are these parents. I certainly like to win, but I am not a "win at all costs" kind of parent or coach. If you grew up playing competitive sports then you are likely a competitive person. It just makes sense. If you can keep winning from being the only focus and if you can allow your child to follow their own path, it will be fine.

It becomes a real issue when you find you are more competitive than your child. This is really hard for the competitive parents to understand the concept of playing "just for fun." What tends to happen is the less competitive the child is, the more the parent pushes for them to work harder in an attempt to make them care more.

If a coach is also of the "win at all cost" mindset, they will really struggle with this non competitive athlete. The coach will not understand why the child cannot motivate themselves. They will get frustrated if they cannot get the child to focus. The coach will lose their patience with the child and either punish or yell at them or simply ignore them. A child who is not competitive should not participate with a coach or program that focuses only on winning. This is when parents have to be honest about their own child and their child's personality. If a parent wants their child to continue in sport, then it is your obligation to put them in a program to fit their personal style, not yours.

Let's be honest, there is no guarantee your child is going to be as competitive as you are. If they are not, they will be unable to comprehend why it is so important to you (when they are the one playing) for them to win. They won't understand why they are getting in trouble for a mistake, they will not care about the mistake, or they will not care you are upset which will probably make you more even more upset. On the flip side, they will care an awful lot that you are upset and will feel like they are disappointing you every time they play.

Fact: Someone has to win and someone has to lose and it is important for children to learn the art of both. From a psychological perspective, "Winning increases testosterone, which in turn increases the chemical messenger dopamine, and that dopamine hits the reward network in the brain, which makes us feel better" (CBS news- the psychology of winning). Though winning is fun and a great self-esteem booster, losing has its' positive lessons as well. For example, losing can teach our children to have empathy, to develop coping strategies, and it teaches children about self control (aktive.org). If a team is winning by a large margin every time they compete, there is a good chance they will become over confident and not work as hard or focus as much. Sometimes losing a game is the push an athlete or team needs to keep them motivated and moving forward in a positive direction.

As parents and coaches, it is our job to model the behavior we want to see our children display both on and off the field. Good sportsmanship is something most people want to see at all levels of sport. Even if you are a super competitive parent, try to follow these basic rules. Avoid Arguing with your child, other parents, coaches, and the referees. If you do not like something that happens, take a moment away before you say or do something you will look back on and regret. Be supportive of all players. Each child should have an opportunity to play as part of the team. Even if you do not support this decision, privately address this with your coach. Do not speak poorly of another player in front of your athlete or other parents. Support the idea of no cheating. I think this speaks for itself. Encourage high fives. Okay, in this time of COVID, no one is allowed to give high five, but you know what I mean. Allow your athlete to tell someone else they did a good job or better yet, you tell another child they did well even if the team lost. It is a way for your athlete to acknowledge someone else's abilities and allows them to pick someone else up if they are down.

It is possible to be competitive and respectful at the same time. Encouraging your child to win is normal, but be just as supportive if they lose. There are life lessons to be learned by both outcomes.