The "Whatever" Parent

Parenting is hard. We have a lot to juggle on a daily basis. Many of us have multiple children, spouses, aging parents, jobs, and the day to day tasks such as laundry, housework and my favorite, "what's for dinner?" That being said, we CHOOSE to put our children in activities and with that comes the responsibility to help them be present in that activity. We owe the children and coaches the respect of being on time, answering as to "availability," and seeing to it the athlete gets all the equipment needed to participate. If you do not want the obligation, do not sign your child up for the activity.

"Whatever" parents are those parents who are uninvolved in their child's activities. They may or may not make it to practice and may or may not be on time. It is about their schedule and what works with it. Coaches often do not know if they will make it to a competition, game, or event and have to make plans accordingly. If an athlete of an individual sport such as gymnastics or golf do not show up, it typically does not effect other athletes, but for a team sport, this could cause a lot of scrambling on the coaches part to find a substitute at the last minute. This should not be something the coach is dealing with come game time.

Many parents do not realize what kind of impact their lack of support has on their young athlete. They believe providing the opportunity for the child to participate is enough, but they either fail to see or choose not to see the child is experiencing an emotional disconnect from them. Failure to notice your child's emotional needs or intentionally disregarding their feelings is called childhood emotional neglect (CEN) (www.healthline.com) CEN can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, aggression, and low self-esteem to name a few.

Let's say you rarely make it to your child's sporting events. This sends the message their activities are not important, they themselves are not a priority to you, or they believe you are disappointed or embarrassed of them. If we are honest, many coaches will play the kids who make it to practice every day, on time, and put in the effort. Your child may not see or understand that connection as it is not their fault if you take them late or don't get them to practice at all. If they are sitting on the bench, they will see themselves as not worthy of your support. They will think it is all their fault.

There is always that one child who is the last one to be picked up every day from practice. As a parent, you may see it as not a big deal, but I can assure you the child and coach take note. I know I have spent many hours after gym waiting on parents while watching the child go through the emotions of fear, frustration, embarrassment, and guilt. They are scared because they fear their parents have forgotten them. Depending on their age, they may truly believe the parents have dismissed them from their mind. Some will cry, but most appear worried and uncomfortable until some sort of contact with the parent is made. Some children will get very upset with their parents and become visibly angry with them. Their reaction is usually the phone call to the parents saying, "where are you, why are you late, and how long will you be?" The embarrassed athlete doesn't know what to say and will usually just stand there looking for their parent hoping they show up soon. The guilty child apologizes over and over for their parent. They feel bad the coach has to stay there with them after everyone else is already gone. Even if their parent does not realize it, they know the coach has other things they would probably like to be doing. A coach will see this continued behavior as a lack of respect for their time. A parent who assumes they can drop off or pick up their child when it suits them shows the coach that particular parent see's them more as a babysitter and less as a professional. Yes, you are paying the coach to do a job, but that job is not babysitting until you find a convenient time to get your child.

Some children will act out in hopes of getting the attention they are so desperately seeking. Their grades may drop. They may start displaying aggressive behavior or start using substances. They may withdraw from friends or appear like they do not care about anything. They might seek out another adult to attach to like their coach, teacher, or a friends' parent. Anyone who will give them the support they are looking for. This puts the other adult in a difficult position. If they dismiss the child then the child will think there is something wrong with them because another adult does not see them as a priority. If the chosen adult does give the child attention, the parent my become angry or the coach may be seen as playing "favorites."

For me, there was nothing worse than telling my kids I would miss their event because I had to work. My daughter would always cry and I felt so terribly guilty I would end up in tears as well. Sometimes missing an activity is unavoidable and it is going to happen from time to time. Work happens, business trips happen, life happens. The most important thing is your child knows they are a priority and you care about what they are doing even if you cannot be there.