When to get involved?

I had a parent come to me one day horribly frustrated with her child. She didn't know what to do so she asked if I would tell her daughter she could not attend practice if her room did not get cleaned. Seems innocent enough. She just didn't know what else to do. She thought her daughter would go right home and clean her room if I was the one asking. I could easily help out the mom right? I appreciated her having faith in me, but I said no. I told the parent the cleanliness of the bedroom had nothing to do with her ability to participate in gym based on our rules. I also told her that battle was not mine to get involved in. I would support mom if she made a rule regarding her daughter's room and being able to participate, but I was not going to be the one claiming the rule to be mine. Mom was asking me to have a say in something when it wasn't my place. I know my answer seems a bit harsh, but once you cross a line, it is super hard to go back.

When an athlete spends a lot of time with a coach, sometimes the boundary lines get a little blurred. Athletes will look at their coaches as a parental figure and that is very normal. Conversations come up during practice about school, friends, and current events. Coaches have to make sure the conversations stay appropriate and parents have to trust the coaches will not let the conversations get out of hand. It is also normal for parents to speak with their athlete's coaches if they are having a problem with their child at home. They may even ask the coach to talk with the child about what is going on to see if the athlete will share more with them than they have with the parent. What coaches have to be careful of is becoming enmeshed in the family situation. It is easy to do especially if the parent invites them in. Coaches need to understand what their boundaries are, but sometimes it is hard to know what those lines should look like.

I cringe when I hear coaches telling their athletes what they can and cannot do outside of sport. Coaches, they are only "yours" when they are under your supervision. You can encourage them to eat healthy. You can even provide them information, but ultimately the parents are in charge of what their kids put in their bodies. You can encourage them to go to bed early, but it is not up to you to pick their bedtime. You can recommend they stay clear of certain apps or social media, but their parents will decide what they can and cannot participate in. Athletes look up to their coaches and they play such an important role in their athletes' lives. Coaches can have a huge positive influence on athletes by guiding them towards things that are healthy for them physically and mentally. Sadly, the opposite can happen as well.

In the 1980s it was very common in gymnastics for coaches to take a big interest in what their athletes ate. Some programs had rules as to what food and drink you were and were not allowed to have. There was the "green diet," the "all liquid diet," and the "starvation diet" to name a few. I choose to believe most of the coaches did not see this as cruel nor did they realize the long term affects it would have on their athletes. At the time, the mindset was, "the smaller the gymnast, the better the gymnast." This was just how the system worked then and coaches did what they thought would get the quickest result for the athlete. There was lack of knowledge about healthy eating and what was needed to properly fuel their bodies. The same was happening in other sports and the term "eating disorder" was used more often. Did the coaches step over the line? I believe so. Should they have had that control of their athletes? I don't think so, but that is my opinion. I am so happy the system has changed as coaches and parents now realize athletes can be successful and can come in many shapes and sizes.

Kids sometimes share what is happening outside of gym with their coaches much to their parent's dismay. Many parents want to keep their personal lives private. They do not want everyone to know if there are problems going on at home such as marital problems, problems with another child, an illness in the family, or a loss of a job. While I absolutely understand wanting to keep this to yourself, please consider sharing a little bit of what is happening with your child's coach. It can be something as simple as, "we are having problems at home" without going into all the details. A coach should respect your privacy, but it may help them work with your child if they know there are struggles at home. The coach may notice a change in their attitude, their work ethic, or social interactions. A fear may come out that wasn't there before. The coach can then share with the parents these changes in behavior and together they can make sure the child is getting the support they need.

As the saying goes, "it takes a village" to raise a child. This is so true, but we all have our roles. The key is respecting those roles and working together for the best possible outcome.